I have had several people email me recently and mention they appreciated me talking about my journey in singleness and infertility. And I was thinking that I haven't written about that in a long time. Mostly because at this point, I feel embarrassed to. I know that my waiting period wasn't really all that long compared to a lot of people. I was one month shy of 30 when I got married which I know is still young but to this small town Arkansas girl - it felt like I was ancient. And we tried for a few years with a lot of help to have Harper and it felt like a lifetime of waiting but I know that's not much compared to what so many people go through. And now that I have been married for almost 14 years and with three kids - I feel like it's something I don't have a right to talk about anymore. But I know my reality. I know that I still haven't forgotten what it felt like to wait. And I have such a heart for women who are in those same stages of waiting.
We live in a world of "you don't even know!". I could have one child and think I was tired and there is always a mom of three waiting around a corner to say "You don't even know". I could have financial troubles or health problems and there is always someone who wants to say "you don't even know" because they have it worse. Your loss whatever it is is not cancelled out just because someones loss is greater. It's still your loss or your struggle.
So this is what I would go back and want to tell college aged Kelly or Kelly in her 20's or Kelly in her 30's on waiting. (Well first I want to tell her that good grief - she is so skinny even though she thinks she is fat and with smooth skin. Enjoy that while you can! ha!)
I see you Kelly in college who thinks you are there to meet the man of your dreams. I see you when you are in your senior year and realize that ring by spring is not happening and you feel like a failure and wonder what on earth you are supposed to do now. Enjoy college. Enjoy living with your best friends 24/7. Enjoy taking naps and the freedom you have. Enjoy the fact that you aren't worried about retirement or paying for kid's college or really anything adult. And since you are in college in the early 90's - REALLY enjoy that there is no internet or social media or even cell phones. Life is SO much simpler. You WILL NOT cease to exist because you will be out of college and not married. You know what you do have? A really good degree.
Oh Kelly in your 20's. You have been a bridesmaid more times than you can count. Your high school friends all have kids and your college friends are mostly married. You have gone on more blind dates than you have ever could dream possible. You hear a whisper in your ear saying there must be something wrong with you. You think if you were just prettier, funnier, smarter or a million other things the right guy would have worked out. You dress up to go to the grocery store or put on full makeup for the gym because you never know when you might run into "the one". You wait to really get involved in a church or really tithe or really to do any adult things like saving for retirement until "you get married". I wish I could tell you to enjoy your freedom!!! You can lay in bed and watch lifetime movies ALL DAY if you want to. You can eat cereal for every meal because you have no one to cook for. You can work long hours and go on business trips with no guilt. You can shop all weekend and never have to check in or answer for your purchases! You can pick up and go anywhere you want any time you want! Travel more. Go to Europe. Go on mission trips. Go to every movie that comes out. Go out to eat as much as you can. Never cook. Enjoy the fact that your house can be immaculate because you are the only one who messes it up. But most of all know that you are exactly who God made you to be. And He will bring you the right person when He is ready and you don't have to be anybody else or look like anyone else - they will want you! And maybe the right one never comes along. Can you trust God to fill your life in other ways? Or will you just dwell on what you don't have? Choose joy. Even in the waiting. It seems like forever now but one day you will be married with kids and will wish you would have just lived in the freedom of the moment more. Your life becomes very selfless once you have a family.
Oh Kelly in your 30's who wants to be a mom so bad that it's all you can think about. I see you crying when you see pregnant women in Walmart. I see you going to baby showers with a heavy heart. I see your stomach knot at every pregnancy announcement. I see you taking pills and shots and feeling hopeful with every cycle that you will finally have a baby. I see you grieve deeply each month when the answer is no. I see you cry out to God and cling to His word like never before. I see a closeness to both God and Scott that honestly was greater in this period than any other time in your life or marriage. You wonder if you will ever be a mother. You are weary of "trying" and the stress of all the timing. You are broken. I see you secretly buying baby things and putting them far back in the guest room closet just in desperate hope that one day a baby will wear them. This was a pain that I know you have never experienced before. I just want to tell you to trust God. There are no words or promises from people that will ever bring you comfort. You have to lean on God's word. Read Psalms over and over and over. Read the stories of all the women in the Bible who were infertile and realize how sweet God is to mention so many in the Bible to encourage women today who would be waiting. Love your friends' kids. Be happy for your friends when they are pregnant. But know that it's okay to wallow in your grief or skip a baby shower. One day your house will be SO LOUD with kids and you will never have a minute to yourself. But even when you are overwhelmed with motherhood and exhausted - never forget how thankful you are to be blessed with the kids God gives you. No matter how they come - through birth, adoption or foster care - they are amazing gifts that God planned just for you. Motherhood is a mission field - enter it humbly and give yourself grace. And pray for all those behind you who are waiting. Because there will always be more who want what you now have. Don't forget when you were in their shoes.
Waiting is hard. If we could only turn to the last chapter and see how it all turns out. But all the puzzle pieces have to be there to make it fit in the end. Your puzzle piece might be really painful right now but when they start adding up - it will be worth it when it's finished.
If you are waiting - I'm praying for you. I see you and I haven't forgotten what it's like.
A Month Gone.
3 years ago
