There are so many topics I would love to write about here in this little "korner" but they are things I know nothing about. One of those is adoption. I have so many friends who have adopted and I know so many of you have or are praying about it.
I have a friend Becca who is guest posting today for me about Adoption. I would love for y'all to have an open forum to discuss adoption in the comments.
Becca writes with her husband Matt at WhitsonLife.com. They write about
marriage, parenting, and life through the lens of a married couple, parenting
team, and pastor and professional counselor. Their desire is to provide hope and
restoration by giving you a glimpse into their lives- the failures, the
successes, and the brokenness and beauty of everyday.
Website: http://www.whitsonlife.com
Twitter: https://twitter.com/
Adoption is a topic close to my heart. My husband, Matt, and I adopted our two
youngest children. After having our oldest son, we were not able to have more
biological kids due to a rare medical issue I didn’t even know I had. We adopted our
younger son as an infant and are still waiting to go to court to finalize the adoption
of our daughter, who came home in November at age four. Their stories are here
and here.
In our seven years as part of the adoption community, we’ve noticed some common
misconceptions. I want to help clear some things up for you, especially if you’re
considering adoption for your family.
What Adoption Won’t Do:
Erase the pain of infertility. We tried for longer than I would have liked to have
our son, and I distinctly remember the grief that came every month. I didn’t expect
the same kind of pain with secondary infertility (after all, at least I already had one
baby, right?), but there it was. It turns out that having a child (or more than one)
doesn’t make infertility any easier. Our biological son is now nine, and I still grieve
the loss of the ability to conceive, carry, and deliver another child. Our two adopted
children bring such joy to our lives, but they do not erase the pain of infertility and
cannot be expected to. If you are considering adoption after infertility, please give
yourself time to really experience and grieve your loss before adopting.
Make you a savior. If you are going into adoption with the idea that you’ll ride in
on a white horse to rescue a child who will in turn be appreciative and loving, you’re
setting yourself up for disappointment. No matter the age of the child being adopted,
you are not their rescuer. God is. When you reverse those roles, you will set the
stage for resentment and an unhealthy dynamic. God is the only one who rescues. If
He calls you to adopt, let Him do the rescuing. The best thing you can do is to obey
and thank Him for letting you play a part in that child’s life.
Allow you to parent the same way you parent your biological kids. Adoption
is born out of loss. The birth family and child have all experienced deep loss, and
the adoptive family has often had their own losses as well. Adoptive parenting has
to be different from parenting our biological kids because of the child’s history.
Whether infant or older child adoption, the loss of their birth family plays a role in
their development, attachment, self-concept, and relationships. We can love our
children the same regardless of how they joined our family, but we need to parent
them differently.
Make your marriage better. Whether you’ve endured years of infertility or are
adopting because it’s what God has put on your heart, adoption will not make
your marriage better. It’s easy to think “if only we had a baby, things would be
better.” No more hormones, no more monthly disappointments, no more doctor’s
appointments. Or maybe for you, it seems like your marriage was so much better
when you were both focused on your babies; and now that they’re older, things are
more difficult again. Whatever the case, adoption is difficult and adds stress to a
marriage and family. It doesn’t “fix” anything.
Make your life easier. This one is probably obvious. Adoption, when done with
intentionality, is hard. And that doesn’t end when the baby or child is in your arms.
That’s only the beginning. Adoption is heart-wrenching and overwhelming at
times. I’ve sat with our six-year-old son while he wept over not knowing his birth
family and not being able to fully understand why he was placed for adoption. Our
daughter has wounds only God can heal. She has emotional triggers that we may
never know the root of. And we grieve too because we didn’t see her first steps or
hear her first words. We didn’t get to rock her to sleep or soothe her when she cried.
Whatever the circumstances, adoption is hard for everyone involved.
But what adoption does is more powerful than anything it doesn’t do.
Adoption has brought our family together in a way only God could orchestrate.
His hand has been evident in every step. He literally provided a father for our two
fatherless children, and is the Heavenly Father for us all. We will forever be grateful
for the gift of all three of our children and on our knees with humility that we have
the honor of parenting them.
Adoption has given us a glimpse into God’s grace like nothing else could.
youngest children. After having our oldest son, we were not able to have more
biological kids due to a rare medical issue I didn’t even know I had. We adopted our
younger son as an infant and are still waiting to go to court to finalize the adoption
of our daughter, who came home in November at age four. Their stories are here
and here.
In our seven years as part of the adoption community, we’ve noticed some common
misconceptions. I want to help clear some things up for you, especially if you’re
considering adoption for your family.
What Adoption Won’t Do:
Erase the pain of infertility. We tried for longer than I would have liked to have
our son, and I distinctly remember the grief that came every month. I didn’t expect
the same kind of pain with secondary infertility (after all, at least I already had one
baby, right?), but there it was. It turns out that having a child (or more than one)
doesn’t make infertility any easier. Our biological son is now nine, and I still grieve
the loss of the ability to conceive, carry, and deliver another child. Our two adopted
children bring such joy to our lives, but they do not erase the pain of infertility and
cannot be expected to. If you are considering adoption after infertility, please give
yourself time to really experience and grieve your loss before adopting.
Make you a savior. If you are going into adoption with the idea that you’ll ride in
on a white horse to rescue a child who will in turn be appreciative and loving, you’re
setting yourself up for disappointment. No matter the age of the child being adopted,
you are not their rescuer. God is. When you reverse those roles, you will set the
stage for resentment and an unhealthy dynamic. God is the only one who rescues. If
He calls you to adopt, let Him do the rescuing. The best thing you can do is to obey
and thank Him for letting you play a part in that child’s life.
Allow you to parent the same way you parent your biological kids. Adoption
is born out of loss. The birth family and child have all experienced deep loss, and
the adoptive family has often had their own losses as well. Adoptive parenting has
to be different from parenting our biological kids because of the child’s history.
Whether infant or older child adoption, the loss of their birth family plays a role in
their development, attachment, self-concept, and relationships. We can love our
children the same regardless of how they joined our family, but we need to parent
them differently.
Make your marriage better. Whether you’ve endured years of infertility or are
adopting because it’s what God has put on your heart, adoption will not make
your marriage better. It’s easy to think “if only we had a baby, things would be
better.” No more hormones, no more monthly disappointments, no more doctor’s
appointments. Or maybe for you, it seems like your marriage was so much better
when you were both focused on your babies; and now that they’re older, things are
more difficult again. Whatever the case, adoption is difficult and adds stress to a
marriage and family. It doesn’t “fix” anything.
Make your life easier. This one is probably obvious. Adoption, when done with
intentionality, is hard. And that doesn’t end when the baby or child is in your arms.
That’s only the beginning. Adoption is heart-wrenching and overwhelming at
times. I’ve sat with our six-year-old son while he wept over not knowing his birth
family and not being able to fully understand why he was placed for adoption. Our
daughter has wounds only God can heal. She has emotional triggers that we may
never know the root of. And we grieve too because we didn’t see her first steps or
hear her first words. We didn’t get to rock her to sleep or soothe her when she cried.
Whatever the circumstances, adoption is hard for everyone involved.
But what adoption does is more powerful than anything it doesn’t do.
Adoption has brought our family together in a way only God could orchestrate.
His hand has been evident in every step. He literally provided a father for our two
fatherless children, and is the Heavenly Father for us all. We will forever be grateful
for the gift of all three of our children and on our knees with humility that we have
the honor of parenting them.
Adoption has given us a glimpse into God’s grace like nothing else could.
The grace I show my children when they act out is only a tiny shadow of the Grace I’ve received
(and continue to need daily). The financial and emotional cost of adopting our
children is nothing compared to the cost of my own adoption by God. In order for
me to become His daughter, God sacrificed His only Son.
Adoption has revealed God’s love for us like we hadn’t seen before. When we look at
our adopted children with the same love we have for the one who shares our genes,
we grasp a little bit more the love God has for us. When He looks at me, He doesn’t
see second-best. He sees His daughter.
Adoption is hard. But it’s worth it.
(and continue to need daily). The financial and emotional cost of adopting our
children is nothing compared to the cost of my own adoption by God. In order for
me to become His daughter, God sacrificed His only Son.
Adoption has revealed God’s love for us like we hadn’t seen before. When we look at
our adopted children with the same love we have for the one who shares our genes,
we grasp a little bit more the love God has for us. When He looks at me, He doesn’t
see second-best. He sees His daughter.
Adoption is hard. But it’s worth it.
